TRANSFORM

blog is moving... even though i havent written here in a long, long time

2011-06-01T12:34:00.004-05:00

so we are going to have a family blog of sorts.... so click here. It will have a more personal update this weekend.

Europe: ReReach... the short version

2010-01-26T16:06:00.006-06:00

Four years ago my parents moved to Torino, Italy. Since that time I have not been the same. There has since been a nagging feeling in my heart and mind that has not gone away. Starting next week, after months of preparation and networking we, Lindsey and I, begin the journey. I say this because I am going on a Vision trip to 8 cities in 13 day to discern if and how our church should engaged an almost 'unreached' (the people are primarily non-practicing catholics and 3% protestant across the continent) people group. Within that time I am hoping to clarify the Vision, not only for our church, but also for our family. This summer, depending on the outcome of this trip, Lindsey and I will look to spend a month or so in one of these places that we are visiting. Already we have huge opportunities in Italy but we need "to date before we can marry a place" (thank you Mark Driscoll).

Anyway, I know that it has been a long time since I have last posted but if you read this please:
1. pray for wisdom and discernment for those of us on the trip.
2. safety
3. Clarification of calling
4. encouragement in the gospel for the people that we meet and have meetings with.
5. pray for people, maybe even yourself, to take proactive steps toward rereaching Europe with the gospel.
6. For our guide who labor tirelessly for the Kingdom there and the organization, the upstream collective, that he works for
7. the people of Europe. Natives, the huge amount of immigrants, the human trafficking and the extremely diverse religous population all need the gospel and redemption in Christ alone.

Lastly, even in the end, if this is not the place that God has called Lindsey and I to I am looking to start a non-prof called:

Again, this continent is now, on average 3% protestant, unreached is 2%. That is why I hope to call it ReReach, to reintroduce the gospel to a dark place that once shown brightly. Most people think of Europe as the cool and easy place to be missionaries but in reality most people do not even finish there first term because of the difficulties. This is a hard place, and an expensive place, which is the reason for the non-prof- to help financially support the church of Europe for training, evangelism, resourcing, etc...

All Feedback is helpful. I am trying to decide if I want to create another blog that is entirely about Europe under the name rereach and will be eventually turned into a non-prof and to document our progress in and on the road the Lord has marked out for us.

Thanks, it is in God's hands

wedding and bears

2009-06-14T18:30:00.000-05:00

I am married now. Whoa, weird. Though it has only been a few days I am already finding it strange that I actually had our wedding on Saturday, not someone else’s but mine. Thank you to all who have given advice and helped out in the planning and idea giving. FYI: 1pm was the best choice for a ceremony time ever. Also, I am beyond thankful, and thank you again, for those that came to Austin to witness our marriage. I feel truly humbled and blessed, words cannot express my gratitude.
Bears-
We saw bears, not from the car but on the hiking trail… on the top of a mountain. We came around a bend, heard some rustling and down, and onto the trail flew this big black bear… whoa and awesome. I had said I wanted to see a bear, but at that moment had just told Lindsey that this would not be a good place to see a bear… of course it happened… it’s like I have espn or something. Maybe just a Holy Spirit tidbit of intuition… whatever. At this point Lindsey is like, “we should definitely go back down (or back the way we came).” My response, was a very manish “no-way, we have to finish this trail. We should just wait for a little while to see if they leave.” At this point we had looked to see if the bears had continued their meandering down the mountain, but this was not the case. In fact, there were 3 other little cubs, not like medium adult dog sized cubs but legit puppy sized cubs, they were mini…. with huge ears. A few times these little munchkin bears started to walk down the trail toward us but were soon, what sounded like, barked back toward momma. The first time, it looked like they jumped down the mountain but they actually came right back to the road and continued to look at us. After this, they moved back a little; and so our dance and observation with the bears continued. After about ten minutes, the rustling seemed to move to a position above us on the mountain… we were not ready to be “bear pounced.” Thus ended our hike and we retraced the steps that we had so strenuously climbed. Not exactly the outcome that I wanted but you have to fend for the wife at some point and some times that means walking away.

Hopefully, I will be able to find my camera cord so that I can put bear cub pictures up but we will see.

Random note: I hope that I can start to get Lindsey to write on this thing rather than just me.

Are you excited?

2009-05-29T23:31:00.000-05:00

I am getting married in 7 days and some change. What question does everyone ask when you are getting married? One of two: Are you excited or do you have cold feet/doubts? That is a tough question because there are two different feelings: excited and interested. Excited is the normal one but interested is not. I am interested because I find it seemingly impossible how two different lives plus individual sin, with strong personalities, are going to come together and find indescribable joy in great happiness and sorrow. In my immediate world this makes no sense. Why am I doing it then? Well, I truly feel Jesus has called us together and given us a chance to experience the gospel and glorify him… I also love her immensely and she is hot too. Only in the framework of the gospel can two sinners experience joy. I do believe that non-Christians can have good marriages but nothing close to the fulfillment and meaning that comes in the understanding of what it was created to be, a mirror of the relationship of Christ in his church.

Anyway, I am seeing my craziness already and it has not even started yet:

1- I like to watch tv shows, movies or sermons while I go to sleep. Apparently that does not fly.

2- Sports memorabilia is ugly I have now been told- How can my entire life be erased just like this- we are compromising on this one… a very small amount.

3- We both think we are right… always. This doesn’t seem to go well at all but it is funny (not at the time) when one person or the other does something differently after being to that this (whatever it is) is the best way to do something just to “show them” that ‘you are not the boss of me.’ Again, this does not go well and is not good, we seem to apologize and repent a lot.

4- I think the way she puts stuff in the house, spatially, is ugly (I have this weird thing about where things are placed and how, most of the time it is for both functional and aesthetic purposes.). She thinks the way I do it is ugly (she looks at it aesthetically, rarely functionally it seems to me).

Another reason why I am interested: There has always been a cognitive knowledge of the reality of it (marriage) but now it is real. I find more and more I really never know anything until I touch it, feel it, experience it. What does this have to do with marriage? Well it is forever, or until death does part us, but those were just words. Now, however, they take upon new meaning… it is forrrrrrevvvvvverrrrrr (sandlot style). Not that this is bad or scary but more like whoa. Next, I will be faced with one of my greatest weaknesses- emotional gentleness. Though Jesus has made great strides in me in this department, I can now wound and hurt and create roots of bitterness more deeply than ever before. Lastly, the combination of forgiveness and trust needs to be instantaneous. All of these things are where the gospel is seen so much because of marriage. When I am sinned against, I must forgive as Jesus forgave and forgives. Previously, if I was sinned against or hurt there would be a period of time before forgiveness or a trust building time, normally a long time (I do not trust well). There is now no longer this earning back trust period. This is not how Christ loves his church, me. He forgives me and I am perfect before a holy God because of what he did, there is no I am going to hold this against you time. His is loving and forgives, is full of grace and mercy. Oh, this is going to be hard and sanctifying but I long to be that Ephesians 5 husband and I pray that Jesus makes me into that.

Driscoll says my favorite thing when it comes to weddings: This marriage is and will be perfect and wonderful… except for these two people.

Why do the computer keyboard makers make us push shift to get a ? when I will by far use that symbol more than /?

I hope this is understandable. Sorry for the typos.

Morality god

2009-04-25T23:54:00.000-05:00

From the beginning of life there is yes and no. We create lists of do nots. This lifestyle turns into a: “look you did this against the rules.” We, as a society, create legalists from birth. God has become the checklist or rule book. We feel bad because we have transgressed against the rules and gotten caught. We have made a god out of the rule good. The problem with that is this is not how God works; sin is not like this. When we sin we sin against God, the creator and redeemer of the world. Our sin is not just a small thing but a cosmic rebellion from the holiness of God. We do not want to think this way, why? Because it creates too much pressure on us. When realize that everything that we do, do not do, think, move, and react can all have sinful elements to it that are acts of rebellion against an all powerful and wrathful God there is a weight that we are unable to bear. So, how do we deal with the weight? There are potentially two ways:

1. We cast it off by dismissing it because we do not know how to change it. We are weak and lazy. We get hard hearts and are given over to lusts of our heart because we do not want to deal with our sins. This is one of the reasons why people are hesitant to become Christians. They see it as a ‘religion,’ first and foremost, that puts a bunch of not fun rules on them, which is contrary to the reality of the purposes of God.
2. We realized that we cannot alone get rid of these offenses against God (not the list) and we need a savior who has overcome all things. No longer is the list the measure of a man but the measure is the God-Man, Jesus Christ. He is the bar and there is no other. He lived the life we should have lived and died the death we should have died. This is what we strive for, to understand the process of throwing off sin, who helps us and that it is not fast nor easy but as a surgeon with a scalpel but will be removed totally in the life to come. The list no longer applies and restricts buts shows us the continued need for Jesus and the freedom of the reality of the world in the way creation was intended in the beginning.
Something to try: Instead of saying do not do this, we need to put ourselves in a position to succeed. That does not mean in a box but toward things that connect heart and mind to the Cleansor of all sin.

Flash of genius and new calvinism

2009-03-14T01:16:00.001-05:00

Two interesting places to be. One is about a man who invents the modern-day wind shield wiper. His invention is then stolen by the Ford motor company and he proceeds to sue them. His suit is over his patents on the invention and he will not give up until he has beaten "the man" and been given credit for what is rightfully his. What the creators want you to see is that this man let nothing get in his way… nothing. The end of the movie is then a joyous montage of praise and admiration as he is congratulated by men offering him a bottle of champagne. What is missed in the way this man abandoned his family. He ditched them for money and recognition. This is a perfect example of how we have destroyed what is truly the great about human beings- the community and home that family is. We wonder why the elder generations think the young people have gone off the deep end. In many ways these people, images of God, were abandoned for created things (money, power, recognition, etc..). He was given and entrusted with a wife and 6 children but gave that up for his name. I pray that we may truly love our children, younger generation, and not abandon the children and family we are entrusted. We need a miracle.

Secondly, on a brighter more sovereign note… "Calvinism" is back. What does this mean? Funny question because this trend of Christian theology, which was just named (by Time Mag) number 3 on the top 10 ideas changing the world right now, was last 'popular' during the great depression. Funny thing happens when the money runs out… Jesus and his control all of a sudden becomes a reality rather than the magician in the sky. All throughout history there is this crazy bent for there to be these huge ebb and flows of theology, why? Pride. As soon as things begin to go well and life begins to become 'self-sustaining' the reality of God being God and upholding all things by the words of his mouth is forgotten. "I got it" is the favorite phrase of myself and all mankind. What would happen if we all humbly submitted to the reality of God at all times? My mind cannot imagine nor my heart fathom such perfection but the reality is that all men will bow and it will not be because of a lack of cash…

If you did not know Jesus will take care of us. He loves those who call on his name and will provide for them what they truly need. May we realize what we really need. If you do not believe he will take away all your burdens in the truth of what he has done for they will become like dust… if only you believe.

If you are determined to be Calvinist do not forget to read all the parts of the Bible and understand that there will always be an element of grand mystery.

I would like to thank the guys in Seattle for hosting me- Joel, Blake, Cole, and Spencer. I had a great time and loved that place. Acts29 and Mars Hill were awesome and I look forward to going back eventually. Please pray for us as we try to discern where we should be after marriage: St. Louis, Austin, Denton, The Woodlands, or Seattle. All of them are great choices and would work out wonderfully but I just have not idea which is the best. Yes I do way over think. Also, the future of a ministry in Europe, church planting and all the things that go into beginning such endeavors.

left, right, new

2009-02-19T19:12:00.003-06:00

I have a new layout and hopefully a new blogging attitude. I want to be more connected to the world as well, not just my world.

I am engaged, since the last time I wrote, to Lindsey Shepperd. She is wonderful and can actually deal with the real me. I still forget that now she is supposed to be my constant confidant, and not just sister. We are seeking the Lord on where we are to move, do school (me), minister, and live. It is still up in the air. We thought St. Louis was a viable option, but has not felt right about it. Uberspiritual... maybe, but I just have no desire to move without comfort in the plan. This does not take it out of the equation but...

A good article:
http://www.worldmag.com/articles/15022

In this above article there is a perfect explanation of what hinders the lost from being saved and the churchified lost from being reborn (Yes there is implied within that sentence the idea that there are many lost church folk... many... many). There is religion, the outside in, I do therefore I am justified (whether bowing before gods or man or Godme), or the gospel, I am justified resulting in voluntary, joyful, doing (Jesus does the saving). The end question is where do you start and stand? The left or right? I tend to bounce back and forth but long for the tranquility and passions that come from the middle. Many seem to say they tried it but they didn't try it... I believe you, but give it another shot it might just blow your world up this time... Jesus that is.

Going to the acts29 conference in Seattle in two weeks. I'm not sure if I am pumped or not because I haven't the faintest idea of why i am going. aka-a set of desires that I am there searching out... we will see maybe the heavens will open (i kind of just wrote this to see if adriel really does look for all of the 'literature' about a29 things written the previous days)

update

2008-10-14T23:51:00.003-05:00

life is slightly out of my control right now, which is where it is supposed to be as interesting as that sounds. This out of control is not in a bad way, but in a "you are called to do this and so this is where you are," kind of way. I have very little holiness discipline in anything because so much discipline is being forced upon me in other arenas. I do not like that way, to be honest, because my pride wants my 'freedom,' a scary/ ends badly freedom, rather than the real freedom promised.

this is a good description of what struggling for communion and a desperate call for help sounds like to me:

If i could just sit with you a while
When I cannot feel, when my wounds don't heal
Lord I humbly kneel, hidden in You Lord,
You are my life so I don't mind to die
Just as long as I am hidden in You

If I could just sit with You a while, if You could just hold me
Nothing could touch me though I'm wounded, though I die
If I could just sit with You a while, I need You to hold me
Moment by moment, 'till forever passes by

When I know I’ve sinned when I should have been
Crying out my God and hidden in you
Lord I need you now, more than I know how
So I humbly bow, hidden in you

If I could just sit with You a while, if You could just hold me
Nothing could touch me though I'm wounded, though I die
If I could just sit with You a while, I need You to hold me
Moment by moment, 'till forever passes by

This is a song i heard at refuge at first Baptist Dallas with Matt and Bleecker, 5 years ago this month, that really stuck with me and soothes my soul.

2 of my friends have, literally, had miracles bestowed upon them through the power of prayer (aka by the Holy Spirit, through the Son, from the Father). One's mother had a massive heart attack but has survived through some pretty ridiculous operations and circumstances. Another, had two brain surgeries, a tumor fall onto the operating board, and woke up, after all this, absolutely coherent and able to function. Crazy Gloriousness.

Romans 4:5 Opened my eyes to many things that I had never been able to understand. The way it is stated, I understand being ungodly in a more clear sense to where grace and mercy means more before a just creator, as the created. It is easy for me to see God everywhere, creation, science, experience but sometimes pride gets in the way of my reality... jesus justified the ungodly...ME.

WENT TO THE TX VS ou GAME THIS WEEKEND... AMAZING. I thoroughly enjoy college football/ Texas football. what if church was like that, what would people think? Should it be? minus the division. I think in some ways it was a perfect picture of what everyone so longs for the church to be, in passionate unity. What is the state of our idolatry to a game played by 18- 23 year old boys? What is our faces were painted and we went to enjoy, eat, drink, talk, read all the hype and scream in the glory of the kingdom rather than a team?

Reductionist theology is where I tend to fall, which is not necessarily good. I am afraid for things that are created to be doctrine that are not explicitly said in scripture. Religious people like to create certainty out of implied and 'I believe he is trying to say this, by this ambiguous grey word or statement' texts or 'I don't think God is like ____ ."

Just a mild update more musings to come more often.... oh to be moved to move mountains.

crush and rebuild musings

2008-08-05T20:35:00.001-05:00

How is it possible to just find 125,000 endangered gorillas? That is a lot of gorillas to miss… no matter where it is. They are not exactly small creatures. Hmm… what else cant we see?
Country hick people make life lots more fun
Sister had a great day, and the Lord blessed her tremendously, and I am extremely happy about that for her…
Patience and trust go a long way, just hopefully we don’t freak out too much in between.
Don’t eat cheerios before you run
Right now I kind of feel in one of those life-theology (words meant to be together) transformations, where frustration is the word of the day but a weird comfort comes sometimes, which I am thankful for. Its not an actual theology change is it an experiential theology application.
I am very discerning for myself and others… but not very graceful about it… ask some people recently and they will tell you… it’s a gift and a curse. I am praying for more humility and grace in it. I hope to be diplomatic and not harsh, where do we draw the line? Some helpful comments in this would be nice.
Its much easier for me to write down diplomatic guidance and ‘encouragement’ than say it because it doesn’t seem to get interpreted correctly, very often. Part of that is my pride and part conviction… and more my sin.
I have to switch seminaries, which sucks… no more credits will transfer from Westminster to rts at least. Im not very happy about it.
The world is jacked, redemption only comes one way.

counting the cost... which i didnt think was there

2008-07-16T17:05:00.004-05:00

Ive been unfortunately preoccupied, which the reason for not writing in a long time, part of my issues that can be read further down. Phillippians 1:9-11 And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of the righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God. So when I first read this, my only initial reaction was to say how nice of Paul to encourage and pray for his people there in Philippi. Love may abound? what does he exactly mean by that? Loving each other, giving things up for each other. And, its good to have knowledge and discernment in love because of the ability to be and see that which is profitable and that which is not. Then I read Dr. Ferguson's: Let's Study Philippians It hit me hard in many areas and realized a lot of brokenness and things that need to be reinvigorated, healed, and encouraged. First: Growth in Love: I always like to know the beginning and ends of things. Its how I tick. There is a beginning that starts everything as it is supposed to and there is an end goal which I shoot for and can then stop. This is what I have been taught as long as I can remember and have done forever. What's scary is that this is not life. That is not Christ. "To exercise the kind of love in which we put others before ourselves is so demanding that we instinctively want to know what the limits of our responsibility are." This is my end sometimes. Is that love? Im not sure. I dont have a problem putting people before me but the problem is that sometimes it ends. That is I think a large portion of what has happened to me, to my soul, and I did not even realize it. I accepted a call to do a church plant and moved to Denton to follow the Lord without knowing anything of what might happen. Then worked somewhere without knowing why or what I was going to do. Got involved in a lot of peoples lives and Jesus callings, which some ended badly and some are still going, and the sin is that some have been put on hold or neglected because of the mind, body, heart fatigue. I found a point where I gave it my all and it broke me, because of the investment need of my heart, so I stopped or shut down, but still kept going, some fully, others half-assed. I guess that is why we are called to rest. I have two weeks off for teaching, among other things that I didnt want to give up, that have been extremely needed.
So I came to a point where I didnt desire to read or study but gradually pushed that off, besides what I "had to do", (dont get me wrong I did it as hard as I could) and focused on the things that didnt hurt or require more of me including:
- relationships- female-hurt and very hurting friends-even friends at all
- teaching which takes me at least two nights a week, and some of Saturday night
- youth- relationships with the guys

Then however, came this great study, which has truly reinvigorated me. It revealed the calling and the greatness of it. Realizing that a being a bond servant means gladly giving up and seeing all the things that I have been given as a true act of love and worship towards my God, not a burden. I am a bucket of water that will be poured for a long time, until all of the water is gone, if the Lord wills, and this is my great gift and result. Oh, to pray and always feel this way that I am a good and faithful servant and that is all.

Another thing that has popped up is application. I suck at teaching contextual application because it tends to come rather easily to me, personally, and difficult for others. Jesus showed me that I need to remind myself that it is about making him beautiful and that changing the heart, rather than “how does this effect me?” Jesus becomes the moral teacher rather than savior, Lord. These thoughts make life so much easier and points my eyes up rather than looking horizontally. Knowing God is about understanding the text for what it is and who He is, rather than it being about me. If anything it shows how awesome God is and what He does in and through me and what I cant do on my own. Don’t get me wrong there is a balance, that needs to be addressed and found to challenge repentance, but how? Now Im searching through the balance that is fully God glorifying with little time bombs that explode with human weakness and depravity for.

Lastly, this has been a long entry, I have been accused of having a very ‘limited’ wardrobe, by Presley, specifically. Wow. Im searching for what pride lays at the heart of this in me. So far its been revealed to be some fear in being seen and known. Afraid of myself, if seen and known in certain ways and my ‘head’ size, if you know what I mean. I seem to have this strange ‘I don’t want to be known but really do care’ sin in me that is really restricting who God has created me to be I feel. It is all part of the search for personal freedom in the hand of a freeing God.

Hopefully this makes sense but prolly not. Ask questions if you like.

do we really believe?

2008-06-04T11:26:00.002-05:00

As evangelical scholars seek greater influence, Wolfe warns that getting respect is a two-way street.
Evangelicals in the academy too often aren't open to truly engaging those who disagree, said Wolfe, who points to things like "faith statements" at evangelical colleges, which require professors to proclaim Christian belief. A prospering intellectual culture wouldn't make that requirement and shut other views out, he said.
"It's when you view your tradition with such confidence that you want to offer it to others ... that's when you've made it," Wolfe said.
"I don't see evangelicals having that pride in their own tradition, yet."

from an article on cnn.com http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/wayoflife/05/22/evangelicals.ap/index.html

We say that we love Jesus but this quote rings true, for me as much as anyone else. If we really believed, what we say we do about Jesus, why doesn't come from our mouths more often. If I was convinced that the Texas Longhorns were the best football team in America, which often they are, I would talk about them a lot. Just like this, salvation and the truth about Jesus should be coming from our lips all the time like we are truly convinced, not just a 'I believe that!?!'

Life is good and i am being taught a lot right now.

Anyway, Last summer through camp, i listened to, on average, 3 sermons per-day. Ive never learned so much about Jesus in my life, was more busy, nor more happy in my life. I was being obedient and finally getting to truly engage church and use the gifts that I have been given.

In August, I started seminary and loved it. Seminary is a flood in your head, then you dont want to read a book for a while, then the flood subsides, everything comes more clearly together, and the world is more beautiful and a more God centered place then it was before. Greek is amazing and uses grammar to create a theology rather then many of the bad english translations that we have that have an agenda. I struggled mightily through changing from college-baseball life to the 'real world,' not that copass counts but... I found out living by yourself, 15 min from any friends sucks. dont do that. Secondly, Im a lot to deal with. I dont do well with small talk, it gets awkward pretty quickly. more later

Im not very patient with God when it comes to the one thing that I have wanted to do and have for the longest time. But in the new things that have been more conformed to Jesus, I am very patient. It's funny how things need to be looked at in a totally different way, then we are often taught, to truly be able to understand what God intended them for or even how to operated in his word. A lifetime of thinking is a hard thing to change, but oh for the grace of God and his glimpses of who he is. Reliant Progressive sanctification is horribly wonderful. Something else that is funny is that, though you can often be right about other helping, guiding, and instructing other people, how often is it done for selfish or prideful reasons? It's mainly selfish for me right now. Its like getting hit in the head with a hammer sometimes to realize your sin, crushed like a pot in the potters hand to be remolded.

Well it’s been about a year and over a year so here we go (Part 1)

2008-05-11T00:43:00.001-05:00

Just over a year ago I found out that there was no longer going to be such a things as Soma Community church in Denton, Tx (May 5th, in college station playing the aggies, to be exact). For those of you who do not know it, was a church plant that we were going to do with the village until we got the Denton campus (there is lot of background to this too). So, at this point, I was about to retire from baseball, after 17 years, and move to a church camp to work, with no other plans. I had never been to a church camp for more than an hour out of my entire life, now I was going to live and work there, Camp Copass was my home. I literally finished baseball and head to Floydayda, TX for a ropes certification training course the next day, suck, and moved into camp copass. Last summer was the first time that I have actually really ever ‘done’ church. I loved getting involved and actually using the gifts I have been given for the good of the body I appreciate so much, the Village. Also, I was taking 6 hours of class and working at camp copass from about 6:30 am until 8.30 pm every day. What a beating! The result however, is that I like to do dishes and got to listen to hundreds of sermons, at least 3 per day, five days a week. I learned so much and really heard my calling through them. God really spoke to me during a sermon on 1 Cor and spiritual gifts, as well as a sermon on preaching and teaching. I had never wanted to preach, because of the negative connotation in the word, but now, I do not see it that way but as worship for me in getting to study about the Almighty and talk about his gloriousness (I now create words as well). I just see this as my part, in redeeming the world back to Jesus, and using the gifts and weaknesses that I have been given for his glory, and the moving of and transformation of men and women into the image of the Perfect.

this will be updated as i think and remember more... everyday will be another part

so close but you forgot the cross

2008-05-05T15:18:00.003-05:00

2nd time in two days

I dont agree with TD Jakes that often but this article is pretty good, minus that fact of the reason why we do church. While the first paragraph has the most gospel in it, the rest is very social justice and equality heavy, which is awesome. I think he is right. Then he comes to this paragraph:
"I am wondering who will get the message that our nation's citizens are by and large looking for a voice that will unite us, clothe our naked, feed the poor and help our diminishing middle class before we self-destruct like many great empires of the past. Who cares what color they are, what banner they fly, what gender they are, or how they pronounce their names? This is a defining moment in our history, and we are about to destroy greatness with petty self- aggrandizing egotism!"
http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/05/05/jakes/index.html

Do we not see that this is the gospel and this man in the Person of Jesus Christ has come, who showed equality and charity and love and sacrifice and mercy? Jesus is that name and the voice of the real gospel, the one of the bible, not the one that is made in the human mind.

obedience and learning

2008-05-04T22:31:00.003-05:00

there are just somethings that i am just not comfortable with... that means moving and doing things that could hurt me... in the head and heart. For instance, i am willing to move to a city where i know no one, but knowing that it only will take away maybe some physical things and physical things are up in the air. I protect myself from vuneralbility from everyone... very few people actually know me. Going against all things that I hold dear, for the sake of obedience, are things that I long for but am not willing to do them in one part of my life, until today. It was monthssss in coming and as Henry blackaby said in whats so spiritual about your gifts? that there is freedom in uncomfortable obedience and to let God work and not try to control it.... I try to control it, when it deals with me and my internalness... baddd. Anyway, i got what i wasnt expecting but the freedom I was, its funny how that works. anyway, no matter how much i dislike the things of seminary and the info with no application, i learned so much writing my paper and think that understanding the different works of the Trinity deeply, is very beautifully glorious. It creates more comfort and an understanding of the love of God that is beyond comprehension. Here is my favorite Edwards quote:
“The Father is the Deity subsisting in the prime, un-originated and most absolute manner, or the Deity in its direct existence. The Son is the Deity generated by God’s understanding or having an idea of Himself and subsisting in that idea. The Holy Gost is the Deity subsisting in act, or divine essence flowing out breathed forth in God’s Infinite love to and delight in Himself.”

it is God the Father poured forth for redemption and community in the person of the Son. Community and partnership in further redemption of creation with the Holy Spirit. May we partake in worship in the grace of being vessels of redemption of the Almighty God and community with the creator of all things.

ouch

2008-04-20T21:52:00.002-05:00

so its been a rough week... really rough. One of my good friend had a very unfortunate thing happen in his life. In some ways God is using this in a huge way and showing me many things about what real hardness of heart is and how he has blessed me beyond my capacity for understanding. The songs mean so much more to me now then before. There is a lot of personal stuff to this story that I can't talk about but God has some amazing possibilities in acting here, in a supremely difficult situation.
Secondly, three things that I have been pondering and seem to encompass the Christian life. 1. Prayer and worship- The way I pray and how often really shows how much I rely upon God and how much I view myself as such. It seems often like a waste of time, just kneeling upon the floor, but when I beseech the creator of the universe who wants to be my all and provide a knowledge of who he is and how he works, it is amazing to see the outcome. Worship- it is everything that we do. We are worshipping and putting value in all that is thought about and dwelt upon, whether favorably or not. What am I worshipping? May it always be the recognition of the creator and what he does and how he moves rather then my own selfish desires. 2. redemption- This world is about redemption. I am redeemed from the curse by the blood of Christ. I am now as C.S. Lewis put it, a little Christ, here on earth to further that redemption. To redeem cities and nations and the world back to the original perfect state before God. Can this literally happen, no, but we strive to bring everything and everyone back under the Lordship of Jesus. We are conduits through which the redemption of Christ now flows and makes itself manifested. 3. Community- The trinity is a community, within which the entirety of God flows and works together in harmonious choreography. Part of the redemption too, is the realization that salvation is knowing God. By knowing God we have community with the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, not as some far off God but as here, now. It took me a long time to think that and believe it. Not until this doctrine of God class did I really understand much of this.
Last, on Thursday I almost destroyed my car and my grade for Sinclair Furgeson's class. I had the privilege of giving him a ride to his hotel after class on Wednesday and Thursday nights. Well the storms came through on Thursday and there was water on the road that had caused some cones, in an under construction area, to float, which led me into a road that was under construction. We ended up drooping into about 1.5 ft of water, in my Toyota Corolla, and then I attempted to get out of it but got stuck. Dr Furgeson and I then got out, tried to push the car up onto the road, which doesn't workout well when im barefooted and he is in his sixties. So we hid in a parking garage until Beau came and picked us up, laughing, and Dr furgeson had his shirt unbuttoned and in a scottish accent said to Kim, "I dont normally meet women like this." Then i got to go up to his room, continually getting texts from beau and kimbeau asking what shirt he let me wear and hoping it was a white tank, wierd. I then had to wait for AAA to come and tow my car, which they actually couldnt get out that night, so Dr Furgeson asked me if I wanted to go to the bar and get some whiskey. Yes, I did have whiskey while he drank tea at the hotel and we talked for about an hour. It was amazing, but now i have bill for over $800 to fix my car, again, when I have no money anyway... great.

released again... we'll see whats next

2008-04-01T09:28:00.002-05:00

the pushing has become the releasing. Brokenness seems to be a matter of perception. Really most of the time when I am "broken" it is a result of me, being sinful. I tend to get mad at someone or something for some reason and often it is just because it is not how I like it. So I ask why does that bother me? Unfortunately the answer is that I am human and do not fully appreciate that Jesus is my savior and my acceptance, not what they think or if they accept, but that he already has. So I guess that asking those questions is a type of brokenness that refines the things that are idols because it hurts when it shouldn't and maybe the potter will fix my cracks, if in an interesting way, I let him. For this reason, if you understood what I just said, I had to quit greek so that God will work through the things that are immediately necessary for life and his exaltation... rather then me running ragged to do everything half-way... Jacob was right.

If you want to learn about trusting the Holy Spirit teach or be involved in leading High School ministry.

everything is a gift not a burden
-it seems that lots of things becomes a bigger burden then little, thats part of why the rich man has such a problem, its easy to be satisfied with little then with a lot because it progresses so exponentially because the taste of having or doing a lot fills the hole for a little while but then the hole just gets bigger. If there is no chance for a lot then the big space cries for something bigger to fill it and only Jesus can do that. When Jesus fills the hole still gets bigger but so does he. Stuff or activities can only get so big.

I have a garden and am learning to have pleasure in doing yard work.

I like quick results which is not a good thing to desire in life... i need perseverance... lots of it. Immediate satisfaction is so wonderful but nothing seems to happen that way that has the ultimate value.

for michelle de mexico

2008-03-14T23:31:00.003-05:00

so its been an interesting month-
Started teaching
Tried to do something that was manufactured, by me, which doesnt go well
sherry ware pointed some more fun things out to me about me... amen from many of you
I dont want to be a big boy, then got a swift kick in the tail by the one and only Jesus... Elaboration- So I bought a house, cool. I never had a college life and want one. Those things and a job and school and teaching and .... do not go all together. They can have a little harmony but being a steward of the blessings comes first, tough lesson. So for future rememberance, if everything feels broken, i mean everything then it just might be. It says that God gives to each of us gifts to the measure of his grace, which Im not sure is grace in the sense of what i view as grace, there is the problem. So I always do everything that is given to me to do, as far as i know. So my problem is not necessarily being lazy meaning not doing things but not being a good steward of the gifts that I have, given by God within me for his glory. When I want to throw a tantrum I half ass things, which means not doing everything to the absolute glory of God to the best of my ability, I do it because I have to and know its the right thing to do. Idiot. Anyway, that is what I am being worked on and working on.
I need more time in the day- to pray, to work,to sleep, to read 1000 pages and write a 15 pg paper for a 2 hour class (seriously), to study greek, to plan lessons, do house work- I am weak and do not know the meaning of hard work.
I am not patient despite the fact that the position im in doesnt allow me to be anything but patient.
I got to have lunch last week with one of the people i admire most in my entire life and who God used to change me, like many others. Praying that he feels better.
i need more than 0 days off in two months from work... call me weak

societal problems

2008-02-13T15:24:00.002-06:00

I got to watch just about the entire Roger Clemens doposition while I was at an event for work today. I have never seen two people so blatantly lie. Anyone watching it can see that both were guilty of perjury but both are so unbelievable it makes aanything either says uncredible. I cant understand why these guys wont admit to it and explain that this is how they were attempting to be successful. This comes down to a social problem more than a sports problem. People do WHATEVER is necessary to be successful. Often this is seen as the only way to be successful. The only thing that can be done is to change the meaning of success, give people hope in something other then what doesn't really fill or bring whatever feeling they were desiring. It is a never ending spiral to desire what we cant have, get it, and then the bar is just set higher because the reality didnt meet expectation. Maybe our expectations are just too low and we dont understand what the real desire should be

obeying directions

2008-01-31T21:47:00.000-06:00

The law shows the state of the heart. It is for the revelation of the gap between God and man. Jesus commands us to do things to show us that if I was, as he is, I would not need to be have any law against me. The law and instructions of Christ reveal deficiencies in my ability to fully live the life that God originally intended. He commands us because we do not do, not that we have too, because we are covered by the blood never to be let go, but to show our continued inadequacies and the need of reliance upon the strength of grace. I think that Romans 5-7 are the best example of this as well as anything that Jesus tells us to do because there is no reason to need to hear the great commission if he has affected me to the point of an overflow but the flesh still has some sort of reign… but if I am transformed, I will naturally call out to him and proclaim his name.

I taught youth this weekend it was like worship to me.
I like being busy... it makes me happy.
Life has settled down.
I can't choose.
Living in my house is great.
I havent slept in a long time but it has made me reliant, which i am thankful for.
I cant wait for school to start and learn from a rediculous professor.
I am gifted at many things but am also tempted by many things.

stuff

2008-01-25T09:34:00.000-06:00

I dont think that i have ever turned on a radio station that didnt have a dj to match the stereo type of the listeners. I listened to classical radio this morning and everytime i do that, there is a british/ foriegn accent man talking on the other end. We wonder why we have such interesting stereo typing problems... it might start with radio and tv djs and vjs. Anyway, how funny would it be to hear a british dude introducing timbaland or a gangster rapper djs dude introducing bach?

secondly abundant life has been a struggle because im not sure i have true understanding of what it is. I am teaching on why jesus was born which became John 10:10 and was convicted to how hugely my view and our societies view of that life is and how to get it. i cognitively know that it is only in God through Christ but do I believe it? When we stare at who God is the change that takes place because of Jesus we become more like him and our heart no longer follows the law because we do just what jesus did- follow the will of God without realizing it and see the glory of the father everywhere and enjoy who he is and what he does. may we all be changed by the gospel in such a way that we see God.

upside down

2008-01-17T14:21:00.000-06:00

how do you live?
that is such a hard question these days with so many opinions. I think that often i get an idea of how it is done and it actually works but something happens to turn it upside down. How is it that we lose either conviction or commitment so fast? Why are we so prone to go back to the same things that take us down rather then when something else has taken us down and go right back to what is truth and works? I think it is all mind frame both God given, 99%, and discpline.
So its been an interesting last four months, to say the least but my whole mind frame is upside down. how sad, but how glorious. Anyway.... live in the truth knowing the hope and the conquering power of Christ is the only way. This is what i am trying to live by and i hope that God heals me from this cloud i seem to be in.

also, work hard. if you think i do, i am really lazy, i promise. ive never had to work to be successful. i just do and its good enough to be better than most, that sounds bad. What good does that do for anyone and oh how disobedient that is to the call of christ let alone a human being. I hope to be all that i can and tell me when im not...which will be often.

if you are a calvinist, you evangelize and still do missions. Those who do not are disobedient to their Lord and call Jesus 'lord.' i think it is funny that only 1900 years after christ did anything but calvinism/ the soveriegnty of God become really really popular.

think, talk, wish God because by him to him and through him are all things.

large day

2008-01-03T17:22:00.000-06:00

so yesterday I bought a house and started a new job, slightly a big day. One of those life changing days that rarely occurs.
I have always said that never would anything compare to the nearness of God but until yesterday i never truly believed it. David always calls out for God to come to him so that he can now and see him, that is where I have been lately. Oh the nearness of God is my good and there is nothing more wonderful.
To bring these two ideas together: I got two wonderful gifts yesterday: a good paycheck and a house but in amongst all that God had not been that near to me in a long time and i relished that more than anything.

discipline

2007-12-28T22:32:00.000-06:00

There is a difference between being disciplined and be disciplined intentionally. Just like there is a difference between loving intentionally and loving, being obedient and being intentionally obedient. I think that this has so much to do with the fact that we all have some belief that God has everything under control, i think the saying goes everyone is a Calvinist on their knees.I have always been very disciplined, in life, until around august. Having played baseball, I had to be to get school work done and have any semblance of a social life, some of you are laughing right now. Anyway, I lost all of the discipline in how i slept read and spent time with Jesus, and it has shown in attitude and within me as i struggle, you may not have known. I had always preached discipline and then i started to believe the theology that 'rationally' know, God is in control and all is his to change and make for his glory, which is true That is not to say I was not disciplined in getting in the truth but my desire wained, from many different things, as my discipline disappeared. I understand the adage of not wanting to spend the time when you don't feel it, because undesired submission is never fun to give, but now I understand that God calls me to be submissive to the Lord, the King, to do as he asks and be transformed. Obedience, discipline and love are so hard when I dont desire or feel like being any of those things, and at that point what is the reason for it? They are things i do because i have to, but what hope is there in that or where is Jesus in that? Oh to beg and be changed by the truth and God's glory around us when we don't feel like it. It is intentional obedience to the king that is desired. That is why we do things in faith, intentionally, so that God can change us. When we don't want to we have faith that God does everything for the good of those who love him and are called.

If none of this makes sense, for me, life is about praying that God might grant me grace, as i live, knowing that what he has promised will be accomplished, and then living out what he wants me to be obedient in, despite my doubts. Why am i reading this, when i dont want to? Why am i in this class, when i dont want to be? What the crap am i doing at this job? Why in the world did this have to happen? how is the happening?All questions that I have asked in the past 4 months. Oh to beg for God to reveal himself as we live intentionally, in what he has called. And if he doesnt show immediately, we have a hope that does not disappoint, which is so hard to remember often. That is being intentionally obedient and disciplined and loving. Oh to see God everywhere just as he is revealed. Jesus is in everything if we just look in faith. I believe help my unbelief. I have faith help my lack-there-of.

This is how i hope to live my life:
1. pray like a calvinist
2. study like a calvinist
3. think like a calvinist
4. live like an arminiast
5. pray like a calvinist
6. sleep like a calvinist

Christmas

2007-12-25T22:52:00.000-06:00

So I know that I am getting old when I ask for knives for cooking and books for Christmas... wow. Oh and my dad got wii games, seriously.
Secondly, I like being around my family a lot despite how they often get on my nerves. Today, we had the gparents over for Lunch and was really hoping for it to just be sister and mom and dad but they came. I enjoy getting to see them. I have never really appreciated them until recently, sorry im a bad person, but now I realize who they are and what they have done. I could only wish to have the legacy that they do. I pray that my children all love Jesus, like theirs, are successful in what they do (not always meaning financially), have children that love Jesus too. What a legacy.
Thirdly, Christmas is the season of contradictory ideas. Jesus was born in a manger, condescended, became man, and died. We however, make it into a i want stuff and spend more money then i actually have. We turned the worship of the King into a worship of creation... on the day of His birth. I do it too all the time, notice what the first thing on this entry is. May I be changed more and more.

God blessed me immensly the last week or so in his gifts...

drummer boy

2007-12-17T12:43:00.000-06:00

So I got to hunt this week and it was glorious. Killed two deer and got to relax, which was much needed. I want to be a mountain man again, but then again i like being around people.

Anyway, i realized today that I am, and we all are, little drummer boys.
Little Baby,
I am a poor boy too,
I have no gift to bring,
That's fit to give the King,
Shall I play for you,..., On my drum?
...
I played my drum for Him,
I played my best for Him,
Then He smiled at me

Oh how I have nothing to give i feel. nothing to bring to the king for he is all and not fed by human hands that little baby. All the kings bring gifts but oh how poor i am. I still get so caught up trying to give my Lord a gift but my righteousness is nothing but filthy rags before him. Nothing is worthy of him. Shall I play for him... on my drum? All I can do is enjoy what he has given me and play my best for him. He is Lord and God and creator of all things. how wonderful it is when he smiles at me and oh how i long for it.
I am going to write once a week from now on...

it has been a while

2007-11-30T16:51:00.000-06:00

I just finished my Apologetics paper in which learned that it is both imposible to be an atheist and rationally illogical.
It was revealed to me that it is posible to idolize life in general. Most of the time I see this as you idolize an object, sport, person All that has been going through my mind lately is what I need to do or what is going to happen if I don't do something or... I was letting life live me rather then living life. I have to be busy, if not, I get lazy and bad things happen or habbits are formed, not good.
Prof Greene at Westminster is a balla and the best teacher I have ever had, I am very blessed.
God showed me that passion is a matter of how you look at things, whether it be academically or other things because it seemed like this philosophy of apologetics had no application to fuel the affections, just facts to defeat someone in an argument and tell them how ignorant they are. Stupid.
I want to buy a house, hurry and call bank dude.
I get to read harry potter and City of God by Augustine and some wonderful other books that are unassigned.
Jesus is Lord, he protects and he gives grace when we obey and rely upon him who has defeated all things.

so life continues

2007-11-14T21:13:00.001-06:00

Is it wierd that I am listening to kelly clarkson...
Secondly, it takes God to kick me in the ass and he is and has. It is wierd that I get mad a God, despite the whole time knowing and believing that He is working for His good as well as mine. I feel as though I truly believe and know that it is all for the good but still continue to get mad and resent God for not doing it my way. Great pride and idolatry. Why does it take so long to figure out? Why is it so hard to have a soft heart? I now realize that it is better to never think that I have made any progress in life but to rest in the fact that I know Christ. I worry so much about the horizontal, get overwhelmed by it and mad at the verticle then do, as I do to people, try to ignore the verticle out of spite... sad.
Finally, God kicked me through the door at DBU. I went in for the second interview and they basically told me what I am doing in my job and what's expected. I truly believe that this is where God has me, against my wishes- leading to stupid resentment. While it answers immediate questions, it opens up a lot more, but I am thankful for what God has given me. This is a moving forward move, not really a desired one but one that is necessary and beneficial, and now I must trust...something really hard for me... all the while knowing the true calling on my life. I pray I do not lose the call but push on knowing that I minister where I am and have a chance to learn and lead kids at youth.
Tomorrow-Jonathan Jordan has inspired me to post my rant...

random

2007-11-08T14:24:00.000-06:00

Why does Christmas start in the middle of November? Because Christmas does not start until Christmas eve on DEC 24.
I am getting extremely tired of seeing Christian television anywhere on TV, get rid of it. Those people are stupid and wrong and are sending people to hell, it's like the catholic church asking for indulgences... also, who can honestly take a lady with a purple pigment seriously?!
No one should get $30 million dollars to play a game.
Someone intrigues me, which is scary.
I have no idea what to do with life.
I want to go to the woods and kill things.
I get bored easily if what I am doing has no impact.
At what point is having long obedience not obedience but just a mind made direction? Give me strength to keep the option open.
Balance in life is good, rest is necessary... even a little tv.

release

2007-11-04T22:13:00.000-06:00

There are just so many things that I hold in my hand that I really do not even know that I do. I have been lucky to make so many good friends in Denton that I thought I would be staying here for a long time, friends I want to have for a long time, but now it's not looking so good. I thought and have a posibility of working at Dbu but in reality that is not where I need to be. There is a calling on my life, gifts that I have been given, and desires in my life that I long to fulfill that need to be started otherwise will get put on the backburner. It is an unwillingness to let go of my comfort and the place I want to be in that has hurt me in the past few weeks, rather then the other soap opera and sadness/hurt for something that I thought it was. There is something that I have been put on this planet for and I believe that, that is where God wants me to do his work rather then being comfortable, which sucks sometimes. So now I am open to going or being wherever I am called rather then where I want to be, because where I am called will be my joy and his glory in the end despite the immediate pain.

yeah

2007-11-02T10:53:00.000-05:00

I haven't written in a week and it has been a strange one. I have been sick, which hasn't happened in four years. I do not really know how to deal with it because sitting and getting better is not in my vocabulary. Also, by God's grace I have some peace and am dealing with some issues that might be my 'thorn in the flesh' type stuff. finally a little philosophy thought:

Sovereignty coming from the quote in Revelation and reason: new essays in reformed apologetics, edited by Oliphint and Tipton:
"Far from annulling human freedom, total divine sovereignty alone makes such freedom meaningful."
If someone does not believe in the complete sovereignty of God, and the workings of his foreordained plan, how is it possible for man to live in any comfort or freedom? In reality with no absolute plan or belief in the overarching 'fate,' then it would seem that a person not believing in God would be in a constant state of worry and panic because everything is based on chance and chaos. In sovereignty, there is a belief that God is controlling outcomes and through this, comes a peace that there is order in a 'chaotic' world. That is why divine sovereignty seems to be more freeing then normal unbelief because you live in the freedom of knowing that all is foreordained in the plans of God, and that worry about every occurrence or decision is not necessary. The only reason why we worry is because we are prideful, sinful, idolaters of ourselves thinking we know better then God and not resting in that foreordained plan, Christian or not. Finally, if you do not believe in God's sovereignty then that is more faith the believing because there is too much order in the world to believe that everything is happening by chance or even that people will make enough 'right' decisions in a row to create the order that exists now. If that is not convincing, where does man get the ability have order and do what is correct when the presupposed thought by most of humanity is that there is generally a glitch and a bent toward sin? Why search for a sin gene in human genetics if you do not believe in God and religion, who is the creator of such a thought?

this is random thoughts and just came out i hope they were at least entertaining.

we are but being formed

2007-10-25T09:56:00.000-05:00

its better to be weak easily broken then have to get the crap kicked out of you progressively until a huge explosion occurs. Its like a fire. If it is open air fire then the heat and smoke and pressure can escape, and only affects what is being burned and purified. But, if there is a big roof on the building, it is posible to have an explosion, draft, that is much more dangerous and can cause so many more problems, outside the building.

Jeremiah 18
The potter no matter how big or thick the vessel always creates beauty after its spoiling
Romans 9:19-24
Too bad we cant tell God what to do, he works for himself, which in the end works out pretty well for those who love Jesus and can see and understand the mercies, in struggle and joy.

random thoughts: I am tired. Josh Beckett is a World Series beast. I would like some form of a response, even a hate response. I am behind in reading for apologetics. I want to go kill deers.

first

2007-10-23T10:09:00.000-05:00

Jesus is horribly wonderful.
He answers prayers in ways we do not want... but need. He always answers just look and be patient.
He is God and we are not, not a fun one for me sometimes.
Jesus gives gifts that both haunt and bring comfort in his faith, if looked at in the right light.
He is the molder we are the clay, aka: its gonna hurt when we break and have to be remolded, but it is necessary, just decide how long it's going to take.... have a soft heart.
It doesn't matter how good I am it is all by the grace of God, as I am finding out. (we are his workmanship so no one may boast.)
My pride creates my idolatry, meaning my thought of equality with God. Then God takes away my ability to control any area of life, I try to hold the idols, they break because they are made by my own thoughts and hands, which are skewed, then all there is, is God and he holds me in his power as molder and sanctifier.
We are stupid so we can see God's redeeming glory in our recovery from stupidity.