crush and rebuild musings

How is it possible to just find 125,000 endangered gorillas? That is a lot of gorillas to miss… no matter where it is. They are not exactly small creatures. Hmm… what else cant we see?
Country hick people make life lots more fun
Sister had a great day, and the Lord blessed her tremendously, and I am extremely happy about that for her…
Patience and trust go a long way, just hopefully we don’t freak out too much in between.
Don’t eat cheerios before you run
Right now I kind of feel in one of those life-theology (words meant to be together) transformations, where frustration is the word of the day but a weird comfort comes sometimes, which I am thankful for. Its not an actual theology change is it an experiential theology application.
I am very discerning for myself and others… but not very graceful about it… ask some people recently and they will tell you… it’s a gift and a curse. I am praying for more humility and grace in it. I hope to be diplomatic and not harsh, where do we draw the line? Some helpful comments in this would be nice.
Its much easier for me to write down diplomatic guidance and ‘encouragement’ than say it because it doesn’t seem to get interpreted correctly, very often. Part of that is my pride and part conviction… and more my sin.
I have to switch seminaries, which sucks… no more credits will transfer from Westminster to rts at least. Im not very happy about it.
The world is jacked, redemption only comes one way.

counting the cost... which i didnt think was there

Ive been unfortunately preoccupied, which the reason for not writing in a long time, part of my issues that can be read further down. Phillippians 1:9-11 And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of the righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God. So when I first read this, my only initial reaction was to say how nice of Paul to encourage and pray for his people there in Philippi. Love may abound? what does he exactly mean by that? Loving each other, giving things up for each other. And, its good to have knowledge and discernment in love because of the ability to be and see that which is profitable and that which is not. Then I read Dr. Ferguson's: Let's Study Philippians It hit me hard in many areas and realized a lot of brokenness and things that need to be reinvigorated, healed, and encouraged. First: Growth in Love: I always like to know the beginning and ends of things. Its how I tick. There is a beginning that starts everything as it is supposed to and there is an end goal which I shoot for and can then stop. This is what I have been taught as long as I can remember and have done forever. What's scary is that this is not life. That is not Christ. "To exercise the kind of love in which we put others before ourselves is so demanding that we instinctively want to know what the limits of our responsibility are." This is my end sometimes. Is that love? Im not sure. I dont have a problem putting people before me but the problem is that sometimes it ends. That is I think a large portion of what has happened to me, to my soul, and I did not even realize it. I accepted a call to do a church plant and moved to Denton to follow the Lord without knowing anything of what might happen. Then worked somewhere without knowing why or what I was going to do. Got involved in a lot of peoples lives and Jesus callings, which some ended badly and some are still going, and the sin is that some have been put on hold or neglected because of the mind, body, heart fatigue. I found a point where I gave it my all and it broke me, because of the investment need of my heart, so I stopped or shut down, but still kept going, some fully, others half-assed. I guess that is why we are called to rest. I have two weeks off for teaching, among other things that I didnt want to give up, that have been extremely needed.
So I came to a point where I didnt desire to read or study but gradually pushed that off, besides what I "had to do", (dont get me wrong I did it as hard as I could) and focused on the things that didnt hurt or require more of me including:
- relationships- female-hurt and very hurting friends-even friends at all
- teaching which takes me at least two nights a week, and some of Saturday night
- youth- relationships with the guys


Then however, came this great study, which has truly reinvigorated me. It revealed the calling and the greatness of it. Realizing that a being a bond servant means gladly giving up and seeing all the things that I have been given as a true act of love and worship towards my God, not a burden. I am a bucket of water that will be poured for a long time, until all of the water is gone, if the Lord wills, and this is my great gift and result. Oh, to pray and always feel this way that I am a good and faithful servant and that is all.

Another thing that has popped up is application. I suck at teaching contextual application because it tends to come rather easily to me, personally, and difficult for others. Jesus showed me that I need to remind myself that it is about making him beautiful and that changing the heart, rather than “how does this effect me?” Jesus becomes the moral teacher rather than savior, Lord. These thoughts make life so much easier and points my eyes up rather than looking horizontally. Knowing God is about understanding the text for what it is and who He is, rather than it being about me. If anything it shows how awesome God is and what He does in and through me and what I cant do on my own. Don’t get me wrong there is a balance, that needs to be addressed and found to challenge repentance, but how? Now Im searching through the balance that is fully God glorifying with little time bombs that explode with human weakness and depravity for.

Lastly, this has been a long entry, I have been accused of having a very ‘limited’ wardrobe, by Presley, specifically. Wow. Im searching for what pride lays at the heart of this in me. So far its been revealed to be some fear in being seen and known. Afraid of myself, if seen and known in certain ways and my ‘head’ size, if you know what I mean. I seem to have this strange ‘I don’t want to be known but really do care’ sin in me that is really restricting who God has created me to be I feel. It is all part of the search for personal freedom in the hand of a freeing God.

Hopefully this makes sense but prolly not. Ask questions if you like.

do we really believe?

As evangelical scholars seek greater influence, Wolfe warns that getting respect is a two-way street.
Evangelicals in the academy too often aren't open to truly engaging those who disagree, said Wolfe, who points to things like "faith statements" at evangelical colleges, which require professors to proclaim Christian belief. A prospering intellectual culture wouldn't make that requirement and shut other views out, he said.
"It's when you view your tradition with such confidence that you want to offer it to others ... that's when you've made it," Wolfe said.
"I don't see evangelicals having that pride in their own tradition, yet."

from an article on cnn.com http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/wayoflife/05/22/evangelicals.ap/index.html



We say that we love Jesus but this quote rings true, for me as much as anyone else. If we really believed, what we say we do about Jesus, why doesn't come from our mouths more often. If I was convinced that the Texas Longhorns were the best football team in America, which often they are, I would talk about them a lot. Just like this, salvation and the truth about Jesus should be coming from our lips all the time like we are truly convinced, not just a 'I believe that!?!'



Life is good and i am being taught a lot right now.



Anyway, Last summer through camp, i listened to, on average, 3 sermons per-day. Ive never learned so much about Jesus in my life, was more busy, nor more happy in my life. I was being obedient and finally getting to truly engage church and use the gifts that I have been given.

In August, I started seminary and loved it. Seminary is a flood in your head, then you dont want to read a book for a while, then the flood subsides, everything comes more clearly together, and the world is more beautiful and a more God centered place then it was before. Greek is amazing and uses grammar to create a theology rather then many of the bad english translations that we have that have an agenda. I struggled mightily through changing from college-baseball life to the 'real world,' not that copass counts but... I found out living by yourself, 15 min from any friends sucks. dont do that. Secondly, Im a lot to deal with. I dont do well with small talk, it gets awkward pretty quickly. more later

Im not very patient with God when it comes to the one thing that I have wanted to do and have for the longest time. But in the new things that have been more conformed to Jesus, I am very patient. It's funny how things need to be looked at in a totally different way, then we are often taught, to truly be able to understand what God intended them for or even how to operated in his word. A lifetime of thinking is a hard thing to change, but oh for the grace of God and his glimpses of who he is. Reliant Progressive sanctification is horribly wonderful. Something else that is funny is that, though you can often be right about other helping, guiding, and instructing other people, how often is it done for selfish or prideful reasons? It's mainly selfish for me right now. Its like getting hit in the head with a hammer sometimes to realize your sin, crushed like a pot in the potters hand to be remolded.