discipline

There is a difference between being disciplined and be disciplined intentionally. Just like there is a difference between loving intentionally and loving, being obedient and being intentionally obedient. I think that this has so much to do with the fact that we all have some belief that God has everything under control, i think the saying goes everyone is a Calvinist on their knees.I have always been very disciplined, in life, until around august. Having played baseball, I had to be to get school work done and have any semblance of a social life, some of you are laughing right now. Anyway, I lost all of the discipline in how i slept read and spent time with Jesus, and it has shown in attitude and within me as i struggle, you may not have known. I had always preached discipline and then i started to believe the theology that 'rationally' know, God is in control and all is his to change and make for his glory, which is true That is not to say I was not disciplined in getting in the truth but my desire wained, from many different things, as my discipline disappeared. I understand the adage of not wanting to spend the time when you don't feel it, because undesired submission is never fun to give, but now I understand that God calls me to be submissive to the Lord, the King, to do as he asks and be transformed. Obedience, discipline and love are so hard when I dont desire or feel like being any of those things, and at that point what is the reason for it? They are things i do because i have to, but what hope is there in that or where is Jesus in that? Oh to beg and be changed by the truth and God's glory around us when we don't feel like it. It is intentional obedience to the king that is desired. That is why we do things in faith, intentionally, so that God can change us. When we don't want to we have faith that God does everything for the good of those who love him and are called.

If none of this makes sense, for me, life is about praying that God might grant me grace, as i live, knowing that what he has promised will be accomplished, and then living out what he wants me to be obedient in, despite my doubts. Why am i reading this, when i dont want to? Why am i in this class, when i dont want to be? What the crap am i doing at this job? Why in the world did this have to happen? how is the happening?All questions that I have asked in the past 4 months. Oh to beg for God to reveal himself as we live intentionally, in what he has called. And if he doesnt show immediately, we have a hope that does not disappoint, which is so hard to remember often. That is being intentionally obedient and disciplined and loving. Oh to see God everywhere just as he is revealed. Jesus is in everything if we just look in faith. I believe help my unbelief. I have faith help my lack-there-of.

This is how i hope to live my life:
1. pray like a calvinist
2. study like a calvinist
3. think like a calvinist
4. live like an arminiast
5. pray like a calvinist
6. sleep like a calvinist

Christmas

So I know that I am getting old when I ask for knives for cooking and books for Christmas... wow. Oh and my dad got wii games, seriously.
Secondly, I like being around my family a lot despite how they often get on my nerves. Today, we had the gparents over for Lunch and was really hoping for it to just be sister and mom and dad but they came. I enjoy getting to see them. I have never really appreciated them until recently, sorry im a bad person, but now I realize who they are and what they have done. I could only wish to have the legacy that they do. I pray that my children all love Jesus, like theirs, are successful in what they do (not always meaning financially), have children that love Jesus too. What a legacy.
Thirdly, Christmas is the season of contradictory ideas. Jesus was born in a manger, condescended, became man, and died. We however, make it into a i want stuff and spend more money then i actually have. We turned the worship of the King into a worship of creation... on the day of His birth. I do it too all the time, notice what the first thing on this entry is. May I be changed more and more.

God blessed me immensly the last week or so in his gifts...

drummer boy

So I got to hunt this week and it was glorious. Killed two deer and got to relax, which was much needed. I want to be a mountain man again, but then again i like being around people.

Anyway, i realized today that I am, and we all are, little drummer boys.
Little Baby,
I am a poor boy too,
I have no gift to bring,
That's fit to give the King,
Shall I play for you,..., On my drum?
...
I played my drum for Him,
I played my best for Him,
Then He smiled at me

Oh how I have nothing to give i feel. nothing to bring to the king for he is all and not fed by human hands that little baby. All the kings bring gifts but oh how poor i am. I still get so caught up trying to give my Lord a gift but my righteousness is nothing but filthy rags before him. Nothing is worthy of him. Shall I play for him... on my drum? All I can do is enjoy what he has given me and play my best for him. He is Lord and God and creator of all things. how wonderful it is when he smiles at me and oh how i long for it.
I am going to write once a week from now on...