discipline

There is a difference between being disciplined and be disciplined intentionally. Just like there is a difference between loving intentionally and loving, being obedient and being intentionally obedient. I think that this has so much to do with the fact that we all have some belief that God has everything under control, i think the saying goes everyone is a Calvinist on their knees.I have always been very disciplined, in life, until around august. Having played baseball, I had to be to get school work done and have any semblance of a social life, some of you are laughing right now. Anyway, I lost all of the discipline in how i slept read and spent time with Jesus, and it has shown in attitude and within me as i struggle, you may not have known. I had always preached discipline and then i started to believe the theology that 'rationally' know, God is in control and all is his to change and make for his glory, which is true That is not to say I was not disciplined in getting in the truth but my desire wained, from many different things, as my discipline disappeared. I understand the adage of not wanting to spend the time when you don't feel it, because undesired submission is never fun to give, but now I understand that God calls me to be submissive to the Lord, the King, to do as he asks and be transformed. Obedience, discipline and love are so hard when I dont desire or feel like being any of those things, and at that point what is the reason for it? They are things i do because i have to, but what hope is there in that or where is Jesus in that? Oh to beg and be changed by the truth and God's glory around us when we don't feel like it. It is intentional obedience to the king that is desired. That is why we do things in faith, intentionally, so that God can change us. When we don't want to we have faith that God does everything for the good of those who love him and are called.

If none of this makes sense, for me, life is about praying that God might grant me grace, as i live, knowing that what he has promised will be accomplished, and then living out what he wants me to be obedient in, despite my doubts. Why am i reading this, when i dont want to? Why am i in this class, when i dont want to be? What the crap am i doing at this job? Why in the world did this have to happen? how is the happening?All questions that I have asked in the past 4 months. Oh to beg for God to reveal himself as we live intentionally, in what he has called. And if he doesnt show immediately, we have a hope that does not disappoint, which is so hard to remember often. That is being intentionally obedient and disciplined and loving. Oh to see God everywhere just as he is revealed. Jesus is in everything if we just look in faith. I believe help my unbelief. I have faith help my lack-there-of.

This is how i hope to live my life:
1. pray like a calvinist
2. study like a calvinist
3. think like a calvinist
4. live like an arminiast
5. pray like a calvinist
6. sleep like a calvinist