counting the cost... which i didnt think was there

Ive been unfortunately preoccupied, which the reason for not writing in a long time, part of my issues that can be read further down. Phillippians 1:9-11 And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of the righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God. So when I first read this, my only initial reaction was to say how nice of Paul to encourage and pray for his people there in Philippi. Love may abound? what does he exactly mean by that? Loving each other, giving things up for each other. And, its good to have knowledge and discernment in love because of the ability to be and see that which is profitable and that which is not. Then I read Dr. Ferguson's: Let's Study Philippians It hit me hard in many areas and realized a lot of brokenness and things that need to be reinvigorated, healed, and encouraged. First: Growth in Love: I always like to know the beginning and ends of things. Its how I tick. There is a beginning that starts everything as it is supposed to and there is an end goal which I shoot for and can then stop. This is what I have been taught as long as I can remember and have done forever. What's scary is that this is not life. That is not Christ. "To exercise the kind of love in which we put others before ourselves is so demanding that we instinctively want to know what the limits of our responsibility are." This is my end sometimes. Is that love? Im not sure. I dont have a problem putting people before me but the problem is that sometimes it ends. That is I think a large portion of what has happened to me, to my soul, and I did not even realize it. I accepted a call to do a church plant and moved to Denton to follow the Lord without knowing anything of what might happen. Then worked somewhere without knowing why or what I was going to do. Got involved in a lot of peoples lives and Jesus callings, which some ended badly and some are still going, and the sin is that some have been put on hold or neglected because of the mind, body, heart fatigue. I found a point where I gave it my all and it broke me, because of the investment need of my heart, so I stopped or shut down, but still kept going, some fully, others half-assed. I guess that is why we are called to rest. I have two weeks off for teaching, among other things that I didnt want to give up, that have been extremely needed.
So I came to a point where I didnt desire to read or study but gradually pushed that off, besides what I "had to do", (dont get me wrong I did it as hard as I could) and focused on the things that didnt hurt or require more of me including:
- relationships- female-hurt and very hurting friends-even friends at all
- teaching which takes me at least two nights a week, and some of Saturday night
- youth- relationships with the guys


Then however, came this great study, which has truly reinvigorated me. It revealed the calling and the greatness of it. Realizing that a being a bond servant means gladly giving up and seeing all the things that I have been given as a true act of love and worship towards my God, not a burden. I am a bucket of water that will be poured for a long time, until all of the water is gone, if the Lord wills, and this is my great gift and result. Oh, to pray and always feel this way that I am a good and faithful servant and that is all.

Another thing that has popped up is application. I suck at teaching contextual application because it tends to come rather easily to me, personally, and difficult for others. Jesus showed me that I need to remind myself that it is about making him beautiful and that changing the heart, rather than “how does this effect me?” Jesus becomes the moral teacher rather than savior, Lord. These thoughts make life so much easier and points my eyes up rather than looking horizontally. Knowing God is about understanding the text for what it is and who He is, rather than it being about me. If anything it shows how awesome God is and what He does in and through me and what I cant do on my own. Don’t get me wrong there is a balance, that needs to be addressed and found to challenge repentance, but how? Now Im searching through the balance that is fully God glorifying with little time bombs that explode with human weakness and depravity for.

Lastly, this has been a long entry, I have been accused of having a very ‘limited’ wardrobe, by Presley, specifically. Wow. Im searching for what pride lays at the heart of this in me. So far its been revealed to be some fear in being seen and known. Afraid of myself, if seen and known in certain ways and my ‘head’ size, if you know what I mean. I seem to have this strange ‘I don’t want to be known but really do care’ sin in me that is really restricting who God has created me to be I feel. It is all part of the search for personal freedom in the hand of a freeing God.

Hopefully this makes sense but prolly not. Ask questions if you like.