update

life is slightly out of my control right now, which is where it is supposed to be as interesting as that sounds. This out of control is not in a bad way, but in a "you are called to do this and so this is where you are," kind of way. I have very little holiness discipline in anything because so much discipline is being forced upon me in other arenas. I do not like that way, to be honest, because my pride wants my 'freedom,' a scary/ ends badly freedom, rather than the real freedom promised.

this is a good description of what struggling for communion and a desperate call for help sounds like to me:

If i could just sit with you a while
When I cannot feel, when my wounds don't heal
Lord I humbly kneel, hidden in You Lord,
You are my life so I don't mind to die
Just as long as I am hidden in You

If I could just sit with You a while, if You could just hold me
Nothing could touch me though I'm wounded, though I die
If I could just sit with You a while, I need You to hold me
Moment by moment, 'till forever passes by

When I know I’ve sinned when I should have been
Crying out my God and hidden in you
Lord I need you now, more than I know how
So I humbly bow, hidden in you

If I could just sit with You a while, if You could just hold me
Nothing could touch me though I'm wounded, though I die
If I could just sit with You a while, I need You to hold me
Moment by moment, 'till forever passes by

This is a song i heard at refuge at first Baptist Dallas with Matt and Bleecker, 5 years ago this month, that really stuck with me and soothes my soul.

2 of my friends have, literally, had miracles bestowed upon them through the power of prayer (aka by the Holy Spirit, through the Son, from the Father). One's mother had a massive heart attack but has survived through some pretty ridiculous operations and circumstances. Another, had two brain surgeries, a tumor fall onto the operating board, and woke up, after all this, absolutely coherent and able to function. Crazy Gloriousness.

Romans 4:5 Opened my eyes to many things that I had never been able to understand. The way it is stated, I understand being ungodly in a more clear sense to where grace and mercy means more before a just creator, as the created. It is easy for me to see God everywhere, creation, science, experience but sometimes pride gets in the way of my reality... jesus justified the ungodly...ME.

WENT TO THE TX VS ou GAME THIS WEEKEND... AMAZING. I thoroughly enjoy college football/ Texas football. what if church was like that, what would people think? Should it be? minus the division. I think in some ways it was a perfect picture of what everyone so longs for the church to be, in passionate unity. What is the state of our idolatry to a game played by 18- 23 year old boys? What is our faces were painted and we went to enjoy, eat, drink, talk, read all the hype and scream in the glory of the kingdom rather than a team?

Reductionist theology is where I tend to fall, which is not necessarily good. I am afraid for things that are created to be doctrine that are not explicitly said in scripture. Religious people like to create certainty out of implied and 'I believe he is trying to say this, by this ambiguous grey word or statement' texts or 'I don't think God is like ____ ."

Just a mild update more musings to come more often.... oh to be moved to move mountains.