discipline

There is a difference between being disciplined and be disciplined intentionally. Just like there is a difference between loving intentionally and loving, being obedient and being intentionally obedient. I think that this has so much to do with the fact that we all have some belief that God has everything under control, i think the saying goes everyone is a Calvinist on their knees.I have always been very disciplined, in life, until around august. Having played baseball, I had to be to get school work done and have any semblance of a social life, some of you are laughing right now. Anyway, I lost all of the discipline in how i slept read and spent time with Jesus, and it has shown in attitude and within me as i struggle, you may not have known. I had always preached discipline and then i started to believe the theology that 'rationally' know, God is in control and all is his to change and make for his glory, which is true That is not to say I was not disciplined in getting in the truth but my desire wained, from many different things, as my discipline disappeared. I understand the adage of not wanting to spend the time when you don't feel it, because undesired submission is never fun to give, but now I understand that God calls me to be submissive to the Lord, the King, to do as he asks and be transformed. Obedience, discipline and love are so hard when I dont desire or feel like being any of those things, and at that point what is the reason for it? They are things i do because i have to, but what hope is there in that or where is Jesus in that? Oh to beg and be changed by the truth and God's glory around us when we don't feel like it. It is intentional obedience to the king that is desired. That is why we do things in faith, intentionally, so that God can change us. When we don't want to we have faith that God does everything for the good of those who love him and are called.

If none of this makes sense, for me, life is about praying that God might grant me grace, as i live, knowing that what he has promised will be accomplished, and then living out what he wants me to be obedient in, despite my doubts. Why am i reading this, when i dont want to? Why am i in this class, when i dont want to be? What the crap am i doing at this job? Why in the world did this have to happen? how is the happening?All questions that I have asked in the past 4 months. Oh to beg for God to reveal himself as we live intentionally, in what he has called. And if he doesnt show immediately, we have a hope that does not disappoint, which is so hard to remember often. That is being intentionally obedient and disciplined and loving. Oh to see God everywhere just as he is revealed. Jesus is in everything if we just look in faith. I believe help my unbelief. I have faith help my lack-there-of.

This is how i hope to live my life:
1. pray like a calvinist
2. study like a calvinist
3. think like a calvinist
4. live like an arminiast
5. pray like a calvinist
6. sleep like a calvinist

Christmas

So I know that I am getting old when I ask for knives for cooking and books for Christmas... wow. Oh and my dad got wii games, seriously.
Secondly, I like being around my family a lot despite how they often get on my nerves. Today, we had the gparents over for Lunch and was really hoping for it to just be sister and mom and dad but they came. I enjoy getting to see them. I have never really appreciated them until recently, sorry im a bad person, but now I realize who they are and what they have done. I could only wish to have the legacy that they do. I pray that my children all love Jesus, like theirs, are successful in what they do (not always meaning financially), have children that love Jesus too. What a legacy.
Thirdly, Christmas is the season of contradictory ideas. Jesus was born in a manger, condescended, became man, and died. We however, make it into a i want stuff and spend more money then i actually have. We turned the worship of the King into a worship of creation... on the day of His birth. I do it too all the time, notice what the first thing on this entry is. May I be changed more and more.

God blessed me immensly the last week or so in his gifts...

drummer boy

So I got to hunt this week and it was glorious. Killed two deer and got to relax, which was much needed. I want to be a mountain man again, but then again i like being around people.

Anyway, i realized today that I am, and we all are, little drummer boys.
Little Baby,
I am a poor boy too,
I have no gift to bring,
That's fit to give the King,
Shall I play for you,..., On my drum?
...
I played my drum for Him,
I played my best for Him,
Then He smiled at me

Oh how I have nothing to give i feel. nothing to bring to the king for he is all and not fed by human hands that little baby. All the kings bring gifts but oh how poor i am. I still get so caught up trying to give my Lord a gift but my righteousness is nothing but filthy rags before him. Nothing is worthy of him. Shall I play for him... on my drum? All I can do is enjoy what he has given me and play my best for him. He is Lord and God and creator of all things. how wonderful it is when he smiles at me and oh how i long for it.
I am going to write once a week from now on...

it has been a while

I just finished my Apologetics paper in which learned that it is both imposible to be an atheist and rationally illogical.
It was revealed to me that it is posible to idolize life in general. Most of the time I see this as you idolize an object, sport, person All that has been going through my mind lately is what I need to do or what is going to happen if I don't do something or... I was letting life live me rather then living life. I have to be busy, if not, I get lazy and bad things happen or habbits are formed, not good.
Prof Greene at Westminster is a balla and the best teacher I have ever had, I am very blessed.
God showed me that passion is a matter of how you look at things, whether it be academically or other things because it seemed like this philosophy of apologetics had no application to fuel the affections, just facts to defeat someone in an argument and tell them how ignorant they are. Stupid.
I want to buy a house, hurry and call bank dude.
I get to read harry potter and City of God by Augustine and some wonderful other books that are unassigned.
Jesus is Lord, he protects and he gives grace when we obey and rely upon him who has defeated all things.

so life continues

Is it wierd that I am listening to kelly clarkson...
Secondly, it takes God to kick me in the ass and he is and has. It is wierd that I get mad a God, despite the whole time knowing and believing that He is working for His good as well as mine. I feel as though I truly believe and know that it is all for the good but still continue to get mad and resent God for not doing it my way. Great pride and idolatry. Why does it take so long to figure out? Why is it so hard to have a soft heart? I now realize that it is better to never think that I have made any progress in life but to rest in the fact that I know Christ. I worry so much about the horizontal, get overwhelmed by it and mad at the verticle then do, as I do to people, try to ignore the verticle out of spite... sad.
Finally, God kicked me through the door at DBU. I went in for the second interview and they basically told me what I am doing in my job and what's expected. I truly believe that this is where God has me, against my wishes- leading to stupid resentment. While it answers immediate questions, it opens up a lot more, but I am thankful for what God has given me. This is a moving forward move, not really a desired one but one that is necessary and beneficial, and now I must trust...something really hard for me... all the while knowing the true calling on my life. I pray I do not lose the call but push on knowing that I minister where I am and have a chance to learn and lead kids at youth.
Tomorrow-Jonathan Jordan has inspired me to post my rant...

random

Why does Christmas start in the middle of November? Because Christmas does not start until Christmas eve on DEC 24.
I am getting extremely tired of seeing Christian television anywhere on TV, get rid of it. Those people are stupid and wrong and are sending people to hell, it's like the catholic church asking for indulgences... also, who can honestly take a lady with a purple pigment seriously?!
No one should get $30 million dollars to play a game.
Someone intrigues me, which is scary.
I have no idea what to do with life.
I want to go to the woods and kill things.
I get bored easily if what I am doing has no impact.
At what point is having long obedience not obedience but just a mind made direction? Give me strength to keep the option open.
Balance in life is good, rest is necessary... even a little tv.

release

There are just so many things that I hold in my hand that I really do not even know that I do. I have been lucky to make so many good friends in Denton that I thought I would be staying here for a long time, friends I want to have for a long time, but now it's not looking so good. I thought and have a posibility of working at Dbu but in reality that is not where I need to be. There is a calling on my life, gifts that I have been given, and desires in my life that I long to fulfill that need to be started otherwise will get put on the backburner. It is an unwillingness to let go of my comfort and the place I want to be in that has hurt me in the past few weeks, rather then the other soap opera and sadness/hurt for something that I thought it was. There is something that I have been put on this planet for and I believe that, that is where God wants me to do his work rather then being comfortable, which sucks sometimes. So now I am open to going or being wherever I am called rather then where I want to be, because where I am called will be my joy and his glory in the end despite the immediate pain.

yeah

I haven't written in a week and it has been a strange one. I have been sick, which hasn't happened in four years. I do not really know how to deal with it because sitting and getting better is not in my vocabulary. Also, by God's grace I have some peace and am dealing with some issues that might be my 'thorn in the flesh' type stuff. finally a little philosophy thought:

Sovereignty coming from the quote in Revelation and reason: new essays in reformed apologetics, edited by Oliphint and Tipton:
"Far from annulling human freedom, total divine sovereignty alone makes such freedom meaningful."
If someone does not believe in the complete sovereignty of God, and the workings of his foreordained plan, how is it possible for man to live in any comfort or freedom? In reality with no absolute plan or belief in the overarching 'fate,' then it would seem that a person not believing in God would be in a constant state of worry and panic because everything is based on chance and chaos. In sovereignty, there is a belief that God is controlling outcomes and through this, comes a peace that there is order in a 'chaotic' world. That is why divine sovereignty seems to be more freeing then normal unbelief because you live in the freedom of knowing that all is foreordained in the plans of God, and that worry about every occurrence or decision is not necessary. The only reason why we worry is because we are prideful, sinful, idolaters of ourselves thinking we know better then God and not resting in that foreordained plan, Christian or not. Finally, if you do not believe in God's sovereignty then that is more faith the believing because there is too much order in the world to believe that everything is happening by chance or even that people will make enough 'right' decisions in a row to create the order that exists now. If that is not convincing, where does man get the ability have order and do what is correct when the presupposed thought by most of humanity is that there is generally a glitch and a bent toward sin? Why search for a sin gene in human genetics if you do not believe in God and religion, who is the creator of such a thought?

this is random thoughts and just came out i hope they were at least entertaining.

we are but being formed

its better to be weak easily broken then have to get the crap kicked out of you progressively until a huge explosion occurs. Its like a fire. If it is open air fire then the heat and smoke and pressure can escape, and only affects what is being burned and purified. But, if there is a big roof on the building, it is posible to have an explosion, draft, that is much more dangerous and can cause so many more problems, outside the building.

Jeremiah 18
The potter no matter how big or thick the vessel always creates beauty after its spoiling
Romans 9:19-24
Too bad we cant tell God what to do, he works for himself, which in the end works out pretty well for those who love Jesus and can see and understand the mercies, in struggle and joy.

random thoughts: I am tired. Josh Beckett is a World Series beast. I would like some form of a response, even a hate response. I am behind in reading for apologetics. I want to go kill deers.

first

Jesus is horribly wonderful.
He answers prayers in ways we do not want... but need. He always answers just look and be patient.
He is God and we are not, not a fun one for me sometimes.
Jesus gives gifts that both haunt and bring comfort in his faith, if looked at in the right light.
He is the molder we are the clay, aka: its gonna hurt when we break and have to be remolded, but it is necessary, just decide how long it's going to take.... have a soft heart.
It doesn't matter how good I am it is all by the grace of God, as I am finding out. (we are his workmanship so no one may boast.)
My pride creates my idolatry, meaning my thought of equality with God. Then God takes away my ability to control any area of life, I try to hold the idols, they break because they are made by my own thoughts and hands, which are skewed, then all there is, is God and he holds me in his power as molder and sanctifier.
We are stupid so we can see God's redeeming glory in our recovery from stupidity.