update

life is slightly out of my control right now, which is where it is supposed to be as interesting as that sounds. This out of control is not in a bad way, but in a "you are called to do this and so this is where you are," kind of way. I have very little holiness discipline in anything because so much discipline is being forced upon me in other arenas. I do not like that way, to be honest, because my pride wants my 'freedom,' a scary/ ends badly freedom, rather than the real freedom promised.

this is a good description of what struggling for communion and a desperate call for help sounds like to me:

If i could just sit with you a while
When I cannot feel, when my wounds don't heal
Lord I humbly kneel, hidden in You Lord,
You are my life so I don't mind to die
Just as long as I am hidden in You

If I could just sit with You a while, if You could just hold me
Nothing could touch me though I'm wounded, though I die
If I could just sit with You a while, I need You to hold me
Moment by moment, 'till forever passes by

When I know I’ve sinned when I should have been
Crying out my God and hidden in you
Lord I need you now, more than I know how
So I humbly bow, hidden in you

If I could just sit with You a while, if You could just hold me
Nothing could touch me though I'm wounded, though I die
If I could just sit with You a while, I need You to hold me
Moment by moment, 'till forever passes by

This is a song i heard at refuge at first Baptist Dallas with Matt and Bleecker, 5 years ago this month, that really stuck with me and soothes my soul.

2 of my friends have, literally, had miracles bestowed upon them through the power of prayer (aka by the Holy Spirit, through the Son, from the Father). One's mother had a massive heart attack but has survived through some pretty ridiculous operations and circumstances. Another, had two brain surgeries, a tumor fall onto the operating board, and woke up, after all this, absolutely coherent and able to function. Crazy Gloriousness.

Romans 4:5 Opened my eyes to many things that I had never been able to understand. The way it is stated, I understand being ungodly in a more clear sense to where grace and mercy means more before a just creator, as the created. It is easy for me to see God everywhere, creation, science, experience but sometimes pride gets in the way of my reality... jesus justified the ungodly...ME.

WENT TO THE TX VS ou GAME THIS WEEKEND... AMAZING. I thoroughly enjoy college football/ Texas football. what if church was like that, what would people think? Should it be? minus the division. I think in some ways it was a perfect picture of what everyone so longs for the church to be, in passionate unity. What is the state of our idolatry to a game played by 18- 23 year old boys? What is our faces were painted and we went to enjoy, eat, drink, talk, read all the hype and scream in the glory of the kingdom rather than a team?

Reductionist theology is where I tend to fall, which is not necessarily good. I am afraid for things that are created to be doctrine that are not explicitly said in scripture. Religious people like to create certainty out of implied and 'I believe he is trying to say this, by this ambiguous grey word or statement' texts or 'I don't think God is like ____ ."

Just a mild update more musings to come more often.... oh to be moved to move mountains.

crush and rebuild musings

How is it possible to just find 125,000 endangered gorillas? That is a lot of gorillas to miss… no matter where it is. They are not exactly small creatures. Hmm… what else cant we see?
Country hick people make life lots more fun
Sister had a great day, and the Lord blessed her tremendously, and I am extremely happy about that for her…
Patience and trust go a long way, just hopefully we don’t freak out too much in between.
Don’t eat cheerios before you run
Right now I kind of feel in one of those life-theology (words meant to be together) transformations, where frustration is the word of the day but a weird comfort comes sometimes, which I am thankful for. Its not an actual theology change is it an experiential theology application.
I am very discerning for myself and others… but not very graceful about it… ask some people recently and they will tell you… it’s a gift and a curse. I am praying for more humility and grace in it. I hope to be diplomatic and not harsh, where do we draw the line? Some helpful comments in this would be nice.
Its much easier for me to write down diplomatic guidance and ‘encouragement’ than say it because it doesn’t seem to get interpreted correctly, very often. Part of that is my pride and part conviction… and more my sin.
I have to switch seminaries, which sucks… no more credits will transfer from Westminster to rts at least. Im not very happy about it.
The world is jacked, redemption only comes one way.

counting the cost... which i didnt think was there

Ive been unfortunately preoccupied, which the reason for not writing in a long time, part of my issues that can be read further down. Phillippians 1:9-11 And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of the righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God. So when I first read this, my only initial reaction was to say how nice of Paul to encourage and pray for his people there in Philippi. Love may abound? what does he exactly mean by that? Loving each other, giving things up for each other. And, its good to have knowledge and discernment in love because of the ability to be and see that which is profitable and that which is not. Then I read Dr. Ferguson's: Let's Study Philippians It hit me hard in many areas and realized a lot of brokenness and things that need to be reinvigorated, healed, and encouraged. First: Growth in Love: I always like to know the beginning and ends of things. Its how I tick. There is a beginning that starts everything as it is supposed to and there is an end goal which I shoot for and can then stop. This is what I have been taught as long as I can remember and have done forever. What's scary is that this is not life. That is not Christ. "To exercise the kind of love in which we put others before ourselves is so demanding that we instinctively want to know what the limits of our responsibility are." This is my end sometimes. Is that love? Im not sure. I dont have a problem putting people before me but the problem is that sometimes it ends. That is I think a large portion of what has happened to me, to my soul, and I did not even realize it. I accepted a call to do a church plant and moved to Denton to follow the Lord without knowing anything of what might happen. Then worked somewhere without knowing why or what I was going to do. Got involved in a lot of peoples lives and Jesus callings, which some ended badly and some are still going, and the sin is that some have been put on hold or neglected because of the mind, body, heart fatigue. I found a point where I gave it my all and it broke me, because of the investment need of my heart, so I stopped or shut down, but still kept going, some fully, others half-assed. I guess that is why we are called to rest. I have two weeks off for teaching, among other things that I didnt want to give up, that have been extremely needed.
So I came to a point where I didnt desire to read or study but gradually pushed that off, besides what I "had to do", (dont get me wrong I did it as hard as I could) and focused on the things that didnt hurt or require more of me including:
- relationships- female-hurt and very hurting friends-even friends at all
- teaching which takes me at least two nights a week, and some of Saturday night
- youth- relationships with the guys


Then however, came this great study, which has truly reinvigorated me. It revealed the calling and the greatness of it. Realizing that a being a bond servant means gladly giving up and seeing all the things that I have been given as a true act of love and worship towards my God, not a burden. I am a bucket of water that will be poured for a long time, until all of the water is gone, if the Lord wills, and this is my great gift and result. Oh, to pray and always feel this way that I am a good and faithful servant and that is all.

Another thing that has popped up is application. I suck at teaching contextual application because it tends to come rather easily to me, personally, and difficult for others. Jesus showed me that I need to remind myself that it is about making him beautiful and that changing the heart, rather than “how does this effect me?” Jesus becomes the moral teacher rather than savior, Lord. These thoughts make life so much easier and points my eyes up rather than looking horizontally. Knowing God is about understanding the text for what it is and who He is, rather than it being about me. If anything it shows how awesome God is and what He does in and through me and what I cant do on my own. Don’t get me wrong there is a balance, that needs to be addressed and found to challenge repentance, but how? Now Im searching through the balance that is fully God glorifying with little time bombs that explode with human weakness and depravity for.

Lastly, this has been a long entry, I have been accused of having a very ‘limited’ wardrobe, by Presley, specifically. Wow. Im searching for what pride lays at the heart of this in me. So far its been revealed to be some fear in being seen and known. Afraid of myself, if seen and known in certain ways and my ‘head’ size, if you know what I mean. I seem to have this strange ‘I don’t want to be known but really do care’ sin in me that is really restricting who God has created me to be I feel. It is all part of the search for personal freedom in the hand of a freeing God.

Hopefully this makes sense but prolly not. Ask questions if you like.

do we really believe?

As evangelical scholars seek greater influence, Wolfe warns that getting respect is a two-way street.
Evangelicals in the academy too often aren't open to truly engaging those who disagree, said Wolfe, who points to things like "faith statements" at evangelical colleges, which require professors to proclaim Christian belief. A prospering intellectual culture wouldn't make that requirement and shut other views out, he said.
"It's when you view your tradition with such confidence that you want to offer it to others ... that's when you've made it," Wolfe said.
"I don't see evangelicals having that pride in their own tradition, yet."

from an article on cnn.com http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/wayoflife/05/22/evangelicals.ap/index.html



We say that we love Jesus but this quote rings true, for me as much as anyone else. If we really believed, what we say we do about Jesus, why doesn't come from our mouths more often. If I was convinced that the Texas Longhorns were the best football team in America, which often they are, I would talk about them a lot. Just like this, salvation and the truth about Jesus should be coming from our lips all the time like we are truly convinced, not just a 'I believe that!?!'



Life is good and i am being taught a lot right now.



Anyway, Last summer through camp, i listened to, on average, 3 sermons per-day. Ive never learned so much about Jesus in my life, was more busy, nor more happy in my life. I was being obedient and finally getting to truly engage church and use the gifts that I have been given.

In August, I started seminary and loved it. Seminary is a flood in your head, then you dont want to read a book for a while, then the flood subsides, everything comes more clearly together, and the world is more beautiful and a more God centered place then it was before. Greek is amazing and uses grammar to create a theology rather then many of the bad english translations that we have that have an agenda. I struggled mightily through changing from college-baseball life to the 'real world,' not that copass counts but... I found out living by yourself, 15 min from any friends sucks. dont do that. Secondly, Im a lot to deal with. I dont do well with small talk, it gets awkward pretty quickly. more later

Im not very patient with God when it comes to the one thing that I have wanted to do and have for the longest time. But in the new things that have been more conformed to Jesus, I am very patient. It's funny how things need to be looked at in a totally different way, then we are often taught, to truly be able to understand what God intended them for or even how to operated in his word. A lifetime of thinking is a hard thing to change, but oh for the grace of God and his glimpses of who he is. Reliant Progressive sanctification is horribly wonderful. Something else that is funny is that, though you can often be right about other helping, guiding, and instructing other people, how often is it done for selfish or prideful reasons? It's mainly selfish for me right now. Its like getting hit in the head with a hammer sometimes to realize your sin, crushed like a pot in the potters hand to be remolded.

Well it’s been about a year and over a year so here we go (Part 1)

Just over a year ago I found out that there was no longer going to be such a things as Soma Community church in Denton, Tx (May 5th, in college station playing the aggies, to be exact). For those of you who do not know it, was a church plant that we were going to do with the village until we got the Denton campus (there is lot of background to this too). So, at this point, I was about to retire from baseball, after 17 years, and move to a church camp to work, with no other plans. I had never been to a church camp for more than an hour out of my entire life, now I was going to live and work there, Camp Copass was my home. I literally finished baseball and head to Floydayda, TX for a ropes certification training course the next day, suck, and moved into camp copass. Last summer was the first time that I have actually really ever ‘done’ church. I loved getting involved and actually using the gifts I have been given for the good of the body I appreciate so much, the Village. Also, I was taking 6 hours of class and working at camp copass from about 6:30 am until 8.30 pm every day. What a beating! The result however, is that I like to do dishes and got to listen to hundreds of sermons, at least 3 per day, five days a week. I learned so much and really heard my calling through them. God really spoke to me during a sermon on 1 Cor and spiritual gifts, as well as a sermon on preaching and teaching. I had never wanted to preach, because of the negative connotation in the word, but now, I do not see it that way but as worship for me in getting to study about the Almighty and talk about his gloriousness (I now create words as well). I just see this as my part, in redeeming the world back to Jesus, and using the gifts and weaknesses that I have been given for his glory, and the moving of and transformation of men and women into the image of the Perfect.



this will be updated as i think and remember more... everyday will be another part

so close but you forgot the cross

2nd time in two days

I dont agree with TD Jakes that often but this article is pretty good, minus that fact of the reason why we do church. While the first paragraph has the most gospel in it, the rest is very social justice and equality heavy, which is awesome. I think he is right. Then he comes to this paragraph:
"I am wondering who will get the message that our nation's citizens are by and large looking for a voice that will unite us, clothe our naked, feed the poor and help our diminishing middle class before we self-destruct like many great empires of the past. Who cares what color they are, what banner they fly, what gender they are, or how they pronounce their names? This is a defining moment in our history, and we are about to destroy greatness with petty self- aggrandizing egotism!"
http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/05/05/jakes/index.html

Do we not see that this is the gospel and this man in the Person of Jesus Christ has come, who showed equality and charity and love and sacrifice and mercy? Jesus is that name and the voice of the real gospel, the one of the bible, not the one that is made in the human mind.

obedience and learning

there are just somethings that i am just not comfortable with... that means moving and doing things that could hurt me... in the head and heart. For instance, i am willing to move to a city where i know no one, but knowing that it only will take away maybe some physical things and physical things are up in the air. I protect myself from vuneralbility from everyone... very few people actually know me. Going against all things that I hold dear, for the sake of obedience, are things that I long for but am not willing to do them in one part of my life, until today. It was monthssss in coming and as Henry blackaby said in whats so spiritual about your gifts? that there is freedom in uncomfortable obedience and to let God work and not try to control it.... I try to control it, when it deals with me and my internalness... baddd. Anyway, i got what i wasnt expecting but the freedom I was, its funny how that works. anyway, no matter how much i dislike the things of seminary and the info with no application, i learned so much writing my paper and think that understanding the different works of the Trinity deeply, is very beautifully glorious. It creates more comfort and an understanding of the love of God that is beyond comprehension. Here is my favorite Edwards quote:
“The Father is the Deity subsisting in the prime, un-originated and most absolute manner, or the Deity in its direct existence. The Son is the Deity generated by God’s understanding or having an idea of Himself and subsisting in that idea. The Holy Gost is the Deity subsisting in act, or divine essence flowing out breathed forth in God’s Infinite love to and delight in Himself.”

it is God the Father poured forth for redemption and community in the person of the Son. Community and partnership in further redemption of creation with the Holy Spirit. May we partake in worship in the grace of being vessels of redemption of the Almighty God and community with the creator of all things.

ouch

so its been a rough week... really rough. One of my good friend had a very unfortunate thing happen in his life. In some ways God is using this in a huge way and showing me many things about what real hardness of heart is and how he has blessed me beyond my capacity for understanding. The songs mean so much more to me now then before. There is a lot of personal stuff to this story that I can't talk about but God has some amazing possibilities in acting here, in a supremely difficult situation.
Secondly, three things that I have been pondering and seem to encompass the Christian life. 1. Prayer and worship- The way I pray and how often really shows how much I rely upon God and how much I view myself as such. It seems often like a waste of time, just kneeling upon the floor, but when I beseech the creator of the universe who wants to be my all and provide a knowledge of who he is and how he works, it is amazing to see the outcome. Worship- it is everything that we do. We are worshipping and putting value in all that is thought about and dwelt upon, whether favorably or not. What am I worshipping? May it always be the recognition of the creator and what he does and how he moves rather then my own selfish desires. 2. redemption- This world is about redemption. I am redeemed from the curse by the blood of Christ. I am now as C.S. Lewis put it, a little Christ, here on earth to further that redemption. To redeem cities and nations and the world back to the original perfect state before God. Can this literally happen, no, but we strive to bring everything and everyone back under the Lordship of Jesus. We are conduits through which the redemption of Christ now flows and makes itself manifested. 3. Community- The trinity is a community, within which the entirety of God flows and works together in harmonious choreography. Part of the redemption too, is the realization that salvation is knowing God. By knowing God we have community with the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, not as some far off God but as here, now. It took me a long time to think that and believe it. Not until this doctrine of God class did I really understand much of this.
Last, on Thursday I almost destroyed my car and my grade for Sinclair Furgeson's class. I had the privilege of giving him a ride to his hotel after class on Wednesday and Thursday nights. Well the storms came through on Thursday and there was water on the road that had caused some cones, in an under construction area, to float, which led me into a road that was under construction. We ended up drooping into about 1.5 ft of water, in my Toyota Corolla, and then I attempted to get out of it but got stuck. Dr Furgeson and I then got out, tried to push the car up onto the road, which doesn't workout well when im barefooted and he is in his sixties. So we hid in a parking garage until Beau came and picked us up, laughing, and Dr furgeson had his shirt unbuttoned and in a scottish accent said to Kim, "I dont normally meet women like this." Then i got to go up to his room, continually getting texts from beau and kimbeau asking what shirt he let me wear and hoping it was a white tank, wierd. I then had to wait for AAA to come and tow my car, which they actually couldnt get out that night, so Dr Furgeson asked me if I wanted to go to the bar and get some whiskey. Yes, I did have whiskey while he drank tea at the hotel and we talked for about an hour. It was amazing, but now i have bill for over $800 to fix my car, again, when I have no money anyway... great.

released again... we'll see whats next

the pushing has become the releasing. Brokenness seems to be a matter of perception. Really most of the time when I am "broken" it is a result of me, being sinful. I tend to get mad at someone or something for some reason and often it is just because it is not how I like it. So I ask why does that bother me? Unfortunately the answer is that I am human and do not fully appreciate that Jesus is my savior and my acceptance, not what they think or if they accept, but that he already has. So I guess that asking those questions is a type of brokenness that refines the things that are idols because it hurts when it shouldn't and maybe the potter will fix my cracks, if in an interesting way, I let him. For this reason, if you understood what I just said, I had to quit greek so that God will work through the things that are immediately necessary for life and his exaltation... rather then me running ragged to do everything half-way... Jacob was right.

If you want to learn about trusting the Holy Spirit teach or be involved in leading High School ministry.

everything is a gift not a burden
-it seems that lots of things becomes a bigger burden then little, thats part of why the rich man has such a problem, its easy to be satisfied with little then with a lot because it progresses so exponentially because the taste of having or doing a lot fills the hole for a little while but then the hole just gets bigger. If there is no chance for a lot then the big space cries for something bigger to fill it and only Jesus can do that. When Jesus fills the hole still gets bigger but so does he. Stuff or activities can only get so big.

I have a garden and am learning to have pleasure in doing yard work.

I like quick results which is not a good thing to desire in life... i need perseverance... lots of it. Immediate satisfaction is so wonderful but nothing seems to happen that way that has the ultimate value.

for michelle de mexico

so its been an interesting month-
Started teaching
Tried to do something that was manufactured, by me, which doesnt go well
sherry ware pointed some more fun things out to me about me... amen from many of you
I dont want to be a big boy, then got a swift kick in the tail by the one and only Jesus... Elaboration- So I bought a house, cool. I never had a college life and want one. Those things and a job and school and teaching and .... do not go all together. They can have a little harmony but being a steward of the blessings comes first, tough lesson. So for future rememberance, if everything feels broken, i mean everything then it just might be. It says that God gives to each of us gifts to the measure of his grace, which Im not sure is grace in the sense of what i view as grace, there is the problem. So I always do everything that is given to me to do, as far as i know. So my problem is not necessarily being lazy meaning not doing things but not being a good steward of the gifts that I have, given by God within me for his glory. When I want to throw a tantrum I half ass things, which means not doing everything to the absolute glory of God to the best of my ability, I do it because I have to and know its the right thing to do. Idiot. Anyway, that is what I am being worked on and working on.
I need more time in the day- to pray, to work,to sleep, to read 1000 pages and write a 15 pg paper for a 2 hour class (seriously), to study greek, to plan lessons, do house work- I am weak and do not know the meaning of hard work.
I am not patient despite the fact that the position im in doesnt allow me to be anything but patient.
I got to have lunch last week with one of the people i admire most in my entire life and who God used to change me, like many others. Praying that he feels better.
i need more than 0 days off in two months from work... call me weak

societal problems

I got to watch just about the entire Roger Clemens doposition while I was at an event for work today. I have never seen two people so blatantly lie. Anyone watching it can see that both were guilty of perjury but both are so unbelievable it makes aanything either says uncredible. I cant understand why these guys wont admit to it and explain that this is how they were attempting to be successful. This comes down to a social problem more than a sports problem. People do WHATEVER is necessary to be successful. Often this is seen as the only way to be successful. The only thing that can be done is to change the meaning of success, give people hope in something other then what doesn't really fill or bring whatever feeling they were desiring. It is a never ending spiral to desire what we cant have, get it, and then the bar is just set higher because the reality didnt meet expectation. Maybe our expectations are just too low and we dont understand what the real desire should be

obeying directions

The law shows the state of the heart. It is for the revelation of the gap between God and man. Jesus commands us to do things to show us that if I was, as he is, I would not need to be have any law against me. The law and instructions of Christ reveal deficiencies in my ability to fully live the life that God originally intended. He commands us because we do not do, not that we have too, because we are covered by the blood never to be let go, but to show our continued inadequacies and the need of reliance upon the strength of grace. I think that Romans 5-7 are the best example of this as well as anything that Jesus tells us to do because there is no reason to need to hear the great commission if he has affected me to the point of an overflow but the flesh still has some sort of reign… but if I am transformed, I will naturally call out to him and proclaim his name.

I taught youth this weekend it was like worship to me.
I like being busy... it makes me happy.
Life has settled down.
I can't choose.
Living in my house is great.
I havent slept in a long time but it has made me reliant, which i am thankful for.
I cant wait for school to start and learn from a rediculous professor.
I am gifted at many things but am also tempted by many things.

stuff

I dont think that i have ever turned on a radio station that didnt have a dj to match the stereo type of the listeners. I listened to classical radio this morning and everytime i do that, there is a british/ foriegn accent man talking on the other end. We wonder why we have such interesting stereo typing problems... it might start with radio and tv djs and vjs. Anyway, how funny would it be to hear a british dude introducing timbaland or a gangster rapper djs dude introducing bach?

secondly abundant life has been a struggle because im not sure i have true understanding of what it is. I am teaching on why jesus was born which became John 10:10 and was convicted to how hugely my view and our societies view of that life is and how to get it. i cognitively know that it is only in God through Christ but do I believe it? When we stare at who God is the change that takes place because of Jesus we become more like him and our heart no longer follows the law because we do just what jesus did- follow the will of God without realizing it and see the glory of the father everywhere and enjoy who he is and what he does. may we all be changed by the gospel in such a way that we see God.

upside down

how do you live?
that is such a hard question these days with so many opinions. I think that often i get an idea of how it is done and it actually works but something happens to turn it upside down. How is it that we lose either conviction or commitment so fast? Why are we so prone to go back to the same things that take us down rather then when something else has taken us down and go right back to what is truth and works? I think it is all mind frame both God given, 99%, and discpline.
So its been an interesting last four months, to say the least but my whole mind frame is upside down. how sad, but how glorious. Anyway.... live in the truth knowing the hope and the conquering power of Christ is the only way. This is what i am trying to live by and i hope that God heals me from this cloud i seem to be in.

also, work hard. if you think i do, i am really lazy, i promise. ive never had to work to be successful. i just do and its good enough to be better than most, that sounds bad. What good does that do for anyone and oh how disobedient that is to the call of christ let alone a human being. I hope to be all that i can and tell me when im not...which will be often.

if you are a calvinist, you evangelize and still do missions. Those who do not are disobedient to their Lord and call Jesus 'lord.' i think it is funny that only 1900 years after christ did anything but calvinism/ the soveriegnty of God become really really popular.

think, talk, wish God because by him to him and through him are all things.

large day

so yesterday I bought a house and started a new job, slightly a big day. One of those life changing days that rarely occurs.
I have always said that never would anything compare to the nearness of God but until yesterday i never truly believed it. David always calls out for God to come to him so that he can now and see him, that is where I have been lately. Oh the nearness of God is my good and there is nothing more wonderful.
To bring these two ideas together: I got two wonderful gifts yesterday: a good paycheck and a house but in amongst all that God had not been that near to me in a long time and i relished that more than anything.